So, this is something I felt like I had to write. More because I think writing has always made me feel better, and I’m able to explain myself better and come to terms with things. This is a long post, and I think I may have rambled a bit, but I wrote this in the moment.
Maybe it can help someone else. You just gotta remember that not all people will think the decision your making is important, whilst to you it could be the most important.
For me, I’ve always had a problem making decisions. I’m so indecisive. I can go shopping, telling myself that I’m going to buy new clothes and come back with nothing ninety percent of the time. Or I can spend more time looking for a movie to watch than actually watching it. Little things like that just seem to scare me a little.
I think the problem is taking responsibility for the consequences or being judged for my tastes, even if it is just deciding on what to eat or what to watch. However, I think after living in halls and in my own house, I’ve got better at it. I’m not so sensitive anymore.
Very recently, I’ve had to make a really big decision. A decision I may not have been able to make three years ago. One that I honestly thought I couldn’t make, but if I hadn’t, I think I would have fallen in to a pit of despair. It is going to completely change my way of life, but I think it might be for the best.
So, I’ve been working and living in my job for the last three months. Before then, it was perfect. I had it all planned. A masters, driving, saving! As well as a few other things that never came to light, maybe things that could have made it easier.
But, alas, it didn’t go that way. Something happened and I think it just threw me off my track, even if I didn’t realise it at first. I’m not in the right frame of mind to carry on with my plans, I’m not ready to do that masters.
So, despite loving my job, the people and the dogs. I decided that it was time for me to go home. Things had changed and I feel like I needed to be there now more than ever. I haven’t lived at home for the last three years and I miss my family. My mum, dad, brother. It wasn’t easy to just jump in a car or on a train to go see them. I had to plan it in advance, the four hour journey isn’t always a pleasant one.
It wasn’t a rash decision. I bottled all of my emotions up because I thought things would get better, that somehow, magically, they’d change. I shouldn’t have. When I first talked about the opportunity of living and working in the same place, my life was so different to what it is now.
I got so caught up in everything that I didn’t think about me. I was honestly scared of letting others down. My friends, my family, my boss. I was given something that most people wouldn’t get, and I feel like crap throwing it all away, but I’m not in the right mind set anymore. It sounds so selfish, but sometimes, you can’t help but feel a certain way.
The most important thing to do in life is not lose sight of yourself, and I did, and hopefully, by going home, I’ll be able to find myself again and just be happy.
At the end of the day, you have to make the right choice for yourself. Even if you do hurt others because of it.
And I think that’s the worst bit. I never want anyone to feel used, because despite everything that happened, those sorts of things never even went through my mind. One night I just snapped, I just couldn’t stop crying. I feel terrible about it all, I feel like a horrible person, but what would I have gained by not saying anything? It would never have got better, the situation couldn’t. It would of only got worse, even with stolen moments of happiness.
So, when you do have to make that horrible decision in your life, whether it be about a partner, a job, a house, something that’s significant to you, you’ll know you made the right decision because you’ll feel happy, you’ll smile more; and the heaviness on your heart will go.
Even if you feel sad about it, about the people, or the place you might be leaving behind. You’ll just know in the bottom of your heart that you made the right decision. The right decision for you!
I’m expecting to make a load more decisions for myself, especially in the next couple of years, maybe months, but I think that now I’ll be ready for it. Life never seems to go to plan, but just take it on the chin and carry on…
The following is one of my favourite photos ever. This is little Tilly-mint on her walk in to the near-by village. She’s a lurcher puppy that stole my heart the day I saw her walk down the path. She found her home in six weeks on a red leather couch surrounded by love and most importantly for her, patience! She filled my heart with those little moments of happiness that I needed in my worse times! I’m happy she was homed with such lovely new parents and in a wonderful home!
So, obviously, I was late to my salon appointment, and then there was no one in to do my hair (typical).
But, alas, the makeup was done and the hair was sorted. Shout out to the girls at ‘Hair Parade, Chester’ for what they did!
All-in-all, the day seemed to happen quite quick. We all got our gowns quickly, got our seats quickly (I was in the front row out of all the places I could have sat) and despite having an achy backside after sitting on horrible seats for about two hours, it felt like it was over a lot sooner than you’d think.
I honestly thought it would drag, but for once, everything seemed to go quite smoothly. No one fell over, which I think was quite an accomplishment and despite me – apparently – trying to stifle a yawn as the video camera pointed straight at me, everything was almost perfect. Even if for the first twenty minutes or so the guy next to me was sitting on my cloak and dragging me sideways!
Before going on stage, I had to quickly refit my hat after being told it was the wrong way around. My mum and friends family had convinced me it had been on the right way (But I’m sure they were using a teddy as a comparison!).
On stage, all I can remember is how cold and sweaty my hands were and worrying about which hand I had to shake with. I was so nervous, but it was over so quickly that I sat back down and wondered what I’d been so worried about.
The rest of the day went quite smoothly. We threw our hats in the air, but only one out of the five of us caught it, and that one definitely wasn’t me!
I think the most important thing about the day was that I realised that I didn’t regret any of the decisions made or the opportunities missed that lead up to this one day. I was so proud of all of my friends, of everything they had achieved. All the highs and lows (and there had been some low lows) had led us to the end of our university story, and we’d all got there together.
So, its Halloween night and I’m prepping for my graduation!
I’ve got the following things ready:
Friends meet-up location set
Hat and gown hired
Salon appointment booked
Graduation T-Shirt ordered
Fortunately, my family already know both my uni friends and their parents, so we won’t have too many awkward introductions to go through, but I guess this would probably be one of the most important part of the day for some.
I thoroughly expect to spend the whole morning stressing about getting everywhere on time and then spending an hour or so waiting whilst I finally sit down for the ceremony to start (if this isn’t the case and we actually start on time, I might die of shock).
I’m probably gonna spend the rest of the ceremony worrying about standing up in front of all those people and not falling up the stairs as I collect my degree.
I’m hoping that the rest of the day will be nice and relaxed, with a nice meal and maybe a drink or two to celebrate the fact that we’re not students anymore and have to start adulting
Anyway, Happy Halloween guys! Here’s a couple photos to sign off!
Rami enjoying a piece of pumpkin
Said pumpkin (and best carving I’ve ever done ever)
I don’t think I could think of a 101 things about me! But I can think of at least ten so hopefully that’ll be enough.
1. I am twenty-two years old!
2. I love to bake 🎂
3. I own a little hamster called Rami(named after Rami Malik from Mr. Robot) 🐹
4. I work as a kennel hand, surrounded by greyhounds and lurchers! 🐶
5. I’m graduating from Chester Uni with a BSc in Animal Behaviour and Welfare on the 1st November 2016.
6. I love playing open-world video games (fable, skyrim, fallout, farcry)
7. I love to write, but finding the time for it is hard!⌛
8. I have a secret love of horror movies!😱
9. I hate mushrooms!🍄
10. And I love Brussels sprouts!
So that is ten things about me! I’m hoping this blog will serve mostly as a platform for me to find the time to write, whether it be a nice recipe, a rant, adulthood advice(which I need some of myself) or a story.
To end this first one off, here’s a photo of Ramikins!