Letting Go Of That Sheep Faced Notebook

It’s mental health day, and prompted by the #IGWritersOct challenge, I just wanted to raise a hand to all the people out there suffering day-to-day with their problems, whether physically or emotionally and let you all know that you’re not alone!

And, this is just a little story of something I had to let go.

So, whenever I’m feeling down, whether it’s because of someone or something, I always try (and try is the word here, right) to sit down with my pen and paper and write about it. Sometimes, it’s almost like a diary entry, sometimes, it can be a persona that turns in to a story. It’s a good activity to do, and all I can say to you, is try it! Write about that event in your life and let it all out!

You can’t hurt the feelings of a piece of paper or a pen, you can rant as much as you want and it can’t hurt the people around you. That’s the best thing about it!

However, what I’ve learned, more lately than anything, is that once it’s written, I have to take the piece and decide what I want to do with it.

There’s a number of things you could do;

  • You can gain inspiration from it; you can gain this from almost everything in your life, written or not.
  • You can tuck it away in a notebook or under your bed, away from sight, away from mind, right?
  • You could even let it sit in plain view each day, you could torture yourself even more (I don’t recommend this option).
  • You could publish it, perhaps you’re experience with something, your’e feelings, could help someone else get through it, perhaps make them see that their not the only one going through something like this. You can make a terrible thing to you in to something positive for someone else.
  • You could show it to your family, to your friends, to the person that hurt you. Personally, for me, it’s easier to write the words than to say them (I wrote a letter to my boss once (long, long story), I don’t remember half the things I wrote in it, I just know that it hurt me more to write it than it hurt them to read it – FYI, if you ever read this, it really did).
  • Or, you can take that written piece and burn it, and say to yourself it won’t hurt you again (It’s obviously not that easy, but it’s a step in the right direction). In all honestly, it’s completely up to you what you do with it.

And this relates back to a little story of a notebook and a sad newly teenage girl. So, when I was younger, I had this little flipbook with wool plastered on the front, and a little sheep face made of cardboard or paper; and inside of it, I wrote about my life at the time. (Working it out, it was about ten years ago I think, so when I was twelve or thirteen – give or take). It had some good things in it, like my cats giving birth within days of each other (actually that’s the only nice thing I remember, and that I was going on holiday to either Salou or Tenerife that year), but mostly, it was bad stuff (and I don’t mean written badly). I’d needed something to let my frustration out on, and this little book (or diary, I guess) was my victim – and bless his little heart, he took it all.

So, I re-found it a while ago (maybe early last year, I’m not sure). I semi-knew where it was, in a shoe box in my cupboard with some other childhood things, but whenever I found it, I had this urge to read it again, to look at all the things that happened at that time in my life; how my moods changed, and how the writing got more scrawled as I sat and poured my heart and tears in to this little book. And, I was distraught every time I read it and would wonder why I kept it.

And then, one day, I thought, why did I need to keep it? Why do you keep this little book for Jade? The pages were full, and it was hidden in the bottom of my wardrobe among things that made me happy. I’d already made peace with what had happened, I’d got over it, I’d learned that keeping grudges against the people that hurt you is a waste of my time, and they don’t deserve that (I need it for finishing manuscripts and reading books).

And that’s one of the reason’s why I ripped it up and put it in the bin. I don’t need my memories written down on paper like that, I remember it enough not to be wanted to be reminded of them finer details. I remember that I looked at it for the last time, I remember my mum being in the room with me. I don’t know if she ever read it, maybe she had, I can’t remember (maybe I’ll ask her one day), but I said that I was going to get rid. I knew it wasn’t good for me, that I needed to let it go. That part of my life was over, and worrying about the past makes you miss the future.

I’ll be honest though, and say that I didn’t get rid of everything from that time. I had (or have, really) this story in me, a story I still think about today. It’s not ‘Tales from Aramoor’, it’s something else. I’ve wrote and changed it numerous times as I’ve grown up, and it’s still with me now, playing itself out in my head, patiently waiting for it’s time to be released in to the world. I think the dream I had, of a guy stood in a tree, in a church, holding an apple is what started my love for fantasy style writing, and ‘Tales’ owes it a lot, especially as I felt like its promised to stay with me until Tales is completed, so it can have it’s day, that we can finally reunite and I can get it written and show the world the story that kept me going in my darkest moments.

What I guess I’m trying to say, is that, writing can help you cope. Whether your’e writing about something you’ve been through or not, it allows you to escape, to give your heart to something that isn’t going to argue back and just listen (pets do this too, they just look at you as if you’re crazy most of the time though. A piece of paper or a pen won’t do that).

So, guys, I hope today is better, and that it continues to get better. Life isn’t meant to be easy, its meant to be trying and hard and something none of us survive in the end. So, whilst your heart is still beating, live your life and stop letting things get in your way. You might not have your biggest dreams come true, not many of us get that pleasure, but if you can find a little slice of happiness in something that you do, never let anyone take that away from you!

Keep going,

Keep living,

Keep dreaming,

And just keep writing!

Jade x